Parenting luxuries

Having two small children I am apparently allowed to bemoan my lot in life, woe is me for I have forsoke a life of pleasure and fun to propagate the species. While I don’t subscribe to this dystopian view of fatherhood there are a few things I do miss.

I’m sure I’m not alone as there are plenty of great works of literature that cover the travails of parenting, whether it is children messing around with your fur coat wardrobe and spending an entire adolescence with a Jesus lion or the dangers of searching for bears when there are obstacles that require the most direct approach.

Parenting is hard, but the hardest part is giving up on some of life’s little luxuries.

Nice things
Here a list of the things my children have broken:

  •  A mobile phone
  •  A mobile phone
  •  A mobile phone
  •  The sofa
  •  A chair
  •  A mobile phone
  • The dining room floor
  • This is not including the stains and marks on numerous surfaces around the house.

Soon we are moving house and the floors are carpeted cream in every room. We did discuss replacing them but decided for the next few years they can be mistreated until we are ready to lay a good carpet. The same with our new sofas, rather than going for a decent set we have opted for cheap and chemically protected. If they are going to be ruined we’d rather not spend a lot.

Whether it is yourself or the house, once you have a toddler any task that involves cleanliness takes a hundred times as long. It may be that they want to help (which is no help at all) or they follow behind laying crumbs in preparation to escape the woods.

You will also have to schedule your own cleaning routine, both me and Mrs G have to plan when and how we are going to have a shower.

A bath is out of the question unless you want a tiny face peaking over the tub wanting to get in. For newer parents beware of this, it is a trap, the moment they get in that bath you will see a small yellow cloud forming and you will lie there in the knowledge you are now bathing in your own child’s pee.

Simple questions

Why simple questions? Why would you ask that question? Why do you think? Why do you want to know? Why is it important? Why do you keep saying why?

Bed space

Toddlers cannot sleep perpendicular to their pillows, they have to sleep parallel. If they squeeze their way into your bed then you will find that you have to adapt to the ‘H’ sleeping pattern.

No matter how you turn them they will return to the most awkward position they can, this mostly involves either ramming their skull under your chin or placing their feet directly on your bladder.

Spicy meals

Now the Feliciraptor eats the same food as us we have to adjust our diet to ‘toddler’. This means eating at most ‘mild’ rated dishes otherwise it becomes “too spicy” and I worry about a jalapeno nappy.

Curries need to be kormas, no arriabata on the pasta, and a flaming hot Nando’s can only be for Daddy (so no haring).

Television

The end of the weekend cricket was one of the most thrilling and exciting in recent years, yet I spent all day trying to fend off requests for:

  • Dora
  • Diego
  • Shaun
  • Thomas
  • Creative galaxy
  • Old MacDonald

The moment the TV is flicked on children assume they will have pick of the remote (especially if they are the ones who hid it). Programme schedulers should realise that anything adults want to watch before bedtime is going to be a fight, and any sporting events should be shown 9-5 on weekdays so we can watch them at our desks.

But they are worth more than any of these

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

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