I’m not very good at going with the flow.
It’s not that I don’t like the idea of going with the flow. When I was a kid, I really liked that song ‘Que Sera, Sera’. And who doesn’t love a bit of Enya to zone out to? I dare you to listen to this and not feel relaxed: It’s like a musical spa day. I also love spa days.
The point is, I know how to unwind and bliss out, but I can’t *stay* that way. I always start stressing again if I don’t have closure or don’t know the answer. One of my childhood friends is on Facebook touting the virtues of following your bliss after (from what I can put together from her posts) giving up her career as a lawyer to become a yoga instructor/ life coach. Part of me wants to roll my eyes at this, but it’s hard when she seems so honestly happy and chilled about life.
I want to be like that. At least, I think it would lead to a calmer existence. After being married three years I’m not as tightly wound as I used to be (sharing your life with someone will do that), but I still want to know how things will end up so my imagination doesn’t run wild with all the possibilities of what *could* happen. I’m very good at coming up with dramatic, though highly unlikely, possibilities. For example: if I go to the town where my ex-best friend lives, will I see her? Maybe there will be a confrontation! Should I play it cool or giver her a piece of my mind because I still don’t have closure from our last fight? I run the scenarios through my mind like stories. The problem is, like many good stories, they are engrossing because they are so stressful. It’s like when I stayed up all night one time to try to find a good pausing point in The Hunger Games. Note: It took something like reading 200 pages until 4am and practically falling asleep before I could close the book. This is how I get about life.
That’s why pregnancy is such a special challenge. I’m now in my final few weeks of gestating #2 and I’m at the point now where I’m ready to have this kid. Problem is, I don’t know when, or how it will happen and there are so many variables. What will happen to my two year old daughter while I’m in labour? Who will take care of her, and how? My personal plan A got turned on its head for a variety of reasons, and that was the one I liked because it was most predictable: she’d stay with a relative she frequently stays with and who not only loves her, but is excellent at upholding her little routines. With plan B, I’m not sure how she will react. I kind of know, but I don’t *really* know.
Then there’s the method of delivery. The Feliciraptor was a c section, which means I could, in theory, demand a c section this time. But then I don’t know how I’ll cope with staples in my stomach when I’m trying to manage a two year old. On the other hand, it is what I know. I know what the recovery is like and what the pain will be like, and generally how everything will go. And if I schedule it, then I *know* what will happen, which is comforting. But I wouldn’t be able to drive for a few weeks, which means being stuck at home with a tiny baby and a two year old, and last time I found that very hard.
And speaking of post delivery, what will having two be like? I know what it’s like to take care of a tiny baby (simple, really, but pretty boring), but I don’t know what it will be like dealing with two children. Probably fine–after all, this is something a lot of people do with a very high success rate. But *I* don’t know, so my mind ticks over with possibilities. Will Felicity provide me with some company while her brother develops a personality, or will she make my days more monotonous? What is it like to handle two kids having meltdowns for completely different reasons?
Last night I thought I had the beginnings of labour, but no dice. As we drove to the hospital, though, I breathed a sigh of relief thinking that this was it; things were finally decided. Only they weren’t, and now I’m in limbo again and finding new things to angst about. For example, at my last doctor’s visit he agreed that I shouldn’t be induced, but I get stressed about the idea of being induced and back in hospital again for ages–even though that’s not going to happen and I have the power to refuse induction.
I posted a similar anxiety-ridden post when I was very pregnant with Felicity. Now that post seems kind of silly–I had a pretty traumatic labour in the end, but she’s fine and I’m fine–fine enough to try this all over again. People were lovely–I had lots of messages reconnecting me with friends who all sent words of reassurance. This, however, is where I think the idea of flow comes in–if a river flows around you and you’re standing resisting it, eventually it’s going to tip you over and carry you along anyway. Either the flow was too strong for you to fight, or you just don’t have the strength to keep resisting. The other option is to lie back and float and see where the river takes you. I really need to get used to option B, because the river’s given me an interesting ride. And when I get on the lazy river at a water park, I love it. As for exactly how to lay back and enjoy it when I want to steer and impossible to steer inner tube, well, there’s the rub. But maybe I should try.